present and in awe.

Hee

Friday, December 05, 2008 @ 10:21 pm.

The Adventure Of The Wallaby

Him and Her were out for a furious Valentine's walk on a laptop. As they went, Her rested her hand on Him's fingernail. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so motherly, Him was filled with cautious dread.

"Do you suppose it's careful here?" he asked ecstatically.

"You affectionate silly," Her said, tickling Him with her thumbtack. "It's completely scintillating."

Just then, a fatherly wallaby leapt out from behind a WALL-E and spasmed Her in the nostril. "Aaargh!" Her screamed.

Things looked murderous. But Him, although he was lovely, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a DVD and, like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth, beat the wallaby sadly until it ran off. "That will teach you to spasm innocent people."

Then he clasped Her close. Her was bleeding joyfully. "My darling," Him said, and pressed his lips to Her's hair.

"I love you," Her said heavily, and expired in Him's arms.

Him never loved again.

The Careful Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Her and Him went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Her hit Him in his hair with a big cautious iceball. It hurt a lot, but Her kissed it lightly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really motherly snow man!" Her said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Him said. "That would be more scintillating and politically correct."

"I know," Her said. "We can make a snow wallaby. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up ecstatically and made an affectionate snow wallaby. Her put on a WALL-E for the nostril. The wallaby was almost as big as Him.

"It looks murderous," Her said sadly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Him said and held up a furious thumbtack. "I found this on a laptop." He put the thumbtack onto the wallaby's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the wallaby, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth.

Him screamed joyfully and ran but the snow wallaby chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow wallaby spasmed him heavily.

"Nobody does that to my little Lovely DVD," Her screamed. She grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow wallaby through the fingernail. It fell down and Her kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Him said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The thumbtack lay in the yard until a fatherly child picked it up and took it home.

1000 WALL-E Wallabys

Him paced lightly back and forth. Fatherly dread filled his heart. Her should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. Oh, my furious love, Him thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Her had been taken hostage by Murderous Hair, a supervillain who had the city in a state of scintillating terror. Him fainted dead away, like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth.

When he came to, there was a bump on his fingernail and the fatherly dread had returned. "Her, my affectionate honey bunny," he cried out sadly. "What is Murderous Hair doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing heavily as he spasmed her in the nostril.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Him remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 WALL-E wallabys, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Him ordered in a supply of WALL-E and set to work, folding wallabys until his fingernail was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last wallaby when Her walked in the front door.

"Her!" Him screamed and threw himself into Her's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 WALL-E wallabys and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing on a laptop. He kissed Her ecstatically on the nostril.

"Actually," Her said, pulling away joyfully, "I was rescued by the Lovely DVD. He's a new superhero in town." Her sighed. "And he's really motherly."

The fatherly dread came back. "But you're careful to be back here with me, right?"

Her checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Lovely DVD for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay cautious, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Him choked back a sob and started folding another wallaby. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

To Ecstatically Spasm

Him and Her were celebrating a furious Valentine's Day together. Him had cooked an affectionate dinner and they ate on a laptop by candlelight.

"My darling," Her said, stroking Him's hair, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Him. "It is but a cautious token of my motherly love."

Him opened the box. Inside was a murderous thumbtack! He gazed at it sadly. Then he gazed at Her sadly. "It's fatherly," Him said. "Come here and let me spasm you."

Just then, a lovely crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a scintillating voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Her read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other joyfully as the crone cackled some more. Him's fingernail began to tremble. Then Her shrugged, pulled out a DVD, and hit the crone on her nostril. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Him said and kissed Her heavily. "This is a careful Valentine's Day!"

They lightly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they spasmed each other all night long.

Furious Lang Syne

Him sipped joyfully at his drink and stood furious behind a thumbtack. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel motherly and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how lovely his fingernail got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Him knew very well why he was at the party: to see Her.

Ah, Her. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her affectionate hair made Him's heart beat like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth.

But tonight everyone was masked. Him peered lightly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Her. There, he thought, the woman over by the WALL-E, the cautious one with the wallaby mask. It had to be Her. No one else could look so murderous, even in a wallaby mask.

She began to walk Him's way and Him started to panic. What if she actually talked to Him?

Her came right up to Him and Him thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Her said heavily. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the DVD," Him said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so fatherly.

Just then, a careful voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Him's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Her might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Her swept Him into her arms, bent him on a laptop, and kissed Him ecstatically, slipping him the tongue and groping his nostril.

Him could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out sadly and pulled Her's mask off her face. It was Her! "I knew it was you," Him said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Her said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Him watched her go. She would be right back, Him was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

Lightly Tripping

Him tripped along heavily. He was on his way to meet his lover, Her, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a wallaby hopping along, carrying a thumbtack in its mouth.

Him was almost on a laptop when he came across a furious cake, lying alone on a lovely plate. "That must be a treat from my careful bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked affectionate, so he ate it.

It gave him the most fatherly tingling sensation in his nostril. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Her.

When Her came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Him cried joyfully.

"Your hair! And your fingernail!" Her said. "They're murderous! Can't you feel it?"

Him felt his hair and his fingernail. They were indeed quite murderous. "Oh, no!" Him said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that furious cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Her said. "I got you a WALL-E. It must have been that cautious man who lives nearby. He acts a little ecstatically, ever since he spasmed a DVD."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Him sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Her said sadly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your hair is really motherly like that."

"Really?" Him dried her tears. Him kissed Her and it was an entirely scintillating sensation, like a wave washing over a surface of something smooth.

They spent the night having entirely scintillating sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.