Fifth Day of Honesty
In no order of importance.
1. Thinking that it was innocuous at first, then the feeling I thought I knew so well in the stomach that I was sure was just normal and due to something else. And then I went home and then I realised: this was the beginning of a whole new kind of hell.
2. Don't worry about it, I said. It's gonna happen. There's no reason for it to not happen. You want this. Remember that verse? How could it not be His plan for you? I said, and though it was only through words and pixels on the screen I thought that I could tell that you were feeling better. Then the day came and everything drained out like air from a balloon and I can't help but feel that it's all my fault.
3. "Did you just say what I thought you said?" you asked from the steps some way back in the darkness. We were both fourteen. I was staring at the curtains beyond which was the only source of light in the entire auditorium. "No," I replied. Little did I know that this would just lead to more and more incidents, with different places, different times and different people, but still exactly like this.
4. "It's boar!" I said, and half a day later you were sitting in your room with your back to us and you were crying, and we were standing there, only seven, or maybe eight, and neither of us knew what to do. We ran outside and cried in the dining room for an hour wailing you hate us you hate us and it took a few hours for everything to go back to normal. But that was the first nail in the coffin.
5. "Oh," you said, and that was the end of it there, but then I went home and told her what I did and she said "You shouldn't have done that" and I felt bad, so so bad.
6. She called me up to the chair and said "are you sure you're okay with not doing this?" and I said "no, I want to do it" but after that followed half a day of hell and after that I didn't dare introduce myself to any of you again.
Sunday, February 27, 2011 @ 7:30 pm.
Day One:
Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two:
Nine things about yourself.
Day Three:
Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four:
Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five:
Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six:
Five people who mean a lot (in no particular order).
Day Seven:
Four turn offs.
Day Eight:
Three turn ons.
Day Nine:
Two events/actions that describe your life right now.
Day Ten:
One confession.
In no order of importance.
1. Thinking that it was innocuous at first, then the feeling I thought I knew so well in the stomach that I was sure was just normal and due to something else. And then I went home and then I realised: this was the beginning of a whole new kind of hell.
2. Don't worry about it, I said. It's gonna happen. There's no reason for it to not happen. You want this. Remember that verse? How could it not be His plan for you? I said, and though it was only through words and pixels on the screen I thought that I could tell that you were feeling better. Then the day came and everything drained out like air from a balloon and I can't help but feel that it's all my fault.
3. "Did you just say what I thought you said?" you asked from the steps some way back in the darkness. We were both fourteen. I was staring at the curtains beyond which was the only source of light in the entire auditorium. "No," I replied. Little did I know that this would just lead to more and more incidents, with different places, different times and different people, but still exactly like this.
4. "It's boar!" I said, and half a day later you were sitting in your room with your back to us and you were crying, and we were standing there, only seven, or maybe eight, and neither of us knew what to do. We ran outside and cried in the dining room for an hour wailing you hate us you hate us and it took a few hours for everything to go back to normal. But that was the first nail in the coffin.
5. "Oh," you said, and that was the end of it there, but then I went home and told her what I did and she said "You shouldn't have done that" and I felt bad, so so bad.
6. She called me up to the chair and said "are you sure you're okay with not doing this?" and I said "no, I want to do it" but after that followed half a day of hell and after that I didn't dare introduce myself to any of you again.
Fourth Day of Honesty
It's raining so heavily. It's so nice.
1. Do I look okay?
The thing I think when I look in the mirror in the morning, when my hair is as oily as a frying pan and curling up in weird places from where I slept with it wet last night. The thing I think when I stand outside a full classroom, making sure that there aren't weird things between my teeth or, dear God no, my skirt tucked into my shorts because that would just be stupid.
2. How could I have forgotten?
The cold rush that prickles up my skin, my arms, my legs, my neck, and when my eyes widen and my mouth stiffens as I realise what isn't there. It might be a worksheet, or a form, or a card, or a present, or maybe a fact. When I realise it isn't there, its absence is so obvious it fills up the room and closes in on my ears.
3. I should talk more.
When I'm sitting somewhere, eating, studying, and there's someone right next to me who is equally silent and I feel like I should be saying something, that I'm supposed to be. Or when the person next to me is, instead, a group of people, talking. Sometimes I find myself analysing the conversation and how they jump from topic to topic because I've never been able to continue a conversation beyond the first "yeah" or five and I feel like I should.
4. I shouldn't have said that.
When I finally do manage to say something and I'm greeted with a silence that sucks in everything around it, and I wonder if I'm speaking a different language from everyone else. But most of the time, it's when I really don't feel like talking but I end up pulling myself into a conversation that goes on for too long, when all I really want to do is walk behind a building, find ways to avoid entering the SAC on my way to the pick-up point, take a break from other people. I am such an introvert.
5. Oh shit.
The red mark on the paper, or the clothes, or the cheek. The look on your face. The look on my face. The email. The SMS. And this is when I know exactly how much shit I've gotten myself into.
6. I'm such an idiot.
The regret. The memories that crowd in once it's over, once I've dragged myself through it, to jump on my shoulders and waggle their tongues at me. It's usually in the shower when this happens, when the drumming of the water against the floor and against my skin is like a ritual dance to summon the vengeful spirits. And sometimes I'm stomping my foot against the floor and writing prayers on the shower walls just to get them to go away.
7. I'm sorry.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011 @ 4:54 pm.
It's raining so heavily. It's so nice.
Day One:
Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two:
Nine things about yourself.
Day Three:
Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four:
Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five:
Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six:
Five people who mean a lot (in no particular order).
Day Seven:
Four turn offs.
Day Eight:
Three turn ons.
Day Nine:
Two events/actions that describe your life right now.
Day Ten:
One confession.
1. Do I look okay?
The thing I think when I look in the mirror in the morning, when my hair is as oily as a frying pan and curling up in weird places from where I slept with it wet last night. The thing I think when I stand outside a full classroom, making sure that there aren't weird things between my teeth or, dear God no, my skirt tucked into my shorts because that would just be stupid.
2. How could I have forgotten?
The cold rush that prickles up my skin, my arms, my legs, my neck, and when my eyes widen and my mouth stiffens as I realise what isn't there. It might be a worksheet, or a form, or a card, or a present, or maybe a fact. When I realise it isn't there, its absence is so obvious it fills up the room and closes in on my ears.
3. I should talk more.
When I'm sitting somewhere, eating, studying, and there's someone right next to me who is equally silent and I feel like I should be saying something, that I'm supposed to be. Or when the person next to me is, instead, a group of people, talking. Sometimes I find myself analysing the conversation and how they jump from topic to topic because I've never been able to continue a conversation beyond the first "yeah" or five and I feel like I should.
4. I shouldn't have said that.
When I finally do manage to say something and I'm greeted with a silence that sucks in everything around it, and I wonder if I'm speaking a different language from everyone else. But most of the time, it's when I really don't feel like talking but I end up pulling myself into a conversation that goes on for too long, when all I really want to do is walk behind a building, find ways to avoid entering the SAC on my way to the pick-up point, take a break from other people. I am such an introvert.
5. Oh shit.
The red mark on the paper, or the clothes, or the cheek. The look on your face. The look on my face. The email. The SMS. And this is when I know exactly how much shit I've gotten myself into.
6. I'm such an idiot.
The regret. The memories that crowd in once it's over, once I've dragged myself through it, to jump on my shoulders and waggle their tongues at me. It's usually in the shower when this happens, when the drumming of the water against the floor and against my skin is like a ritual dance to summon the vengeful spirits. And sometimes I'm stomping my foot against the floor and writing prayers on the shower walls just to get them to go away.
7. I'm sorry.
Third Day of Honesty
Well, this one's a hard one.
1. I have to be able to trust you completely.
2. You have to be smart. The relative intelligence level to mine doesn't really matter, but I have to be able to tell that you're smart.
3. You have to put up with all my touchy-feely-ness.
4. You could offer more of the same.
5. You could have at least one common interest, or you could be receptive towards my constant recommendations.
6. You could be interested too.
7. You must accept that I will reject any propositions of pre-marital sex.
8. You must accept most things about me as well; as many as I will accept about you.
Monday, February 21, 2011 @ 6:39 pm.
Day One:
Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two:
Nine things about yourself.
Day Three:
Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four:
Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five:
Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six:
Five people who mean a lot (in no particular order).
Day Seven:
Four turn offs.
Day Eight:
Three turn ons.
Day Nine:
Two events/actions that describe your life right now.
Day Ten:
One confession.
Well, this one's a hard one.
1. I have to be able to trust you completely.
2. You have to be smart. The relative intelligence level to mine doesn't really matter, but I have to be able to tell that you're smart.
3. You have to put up with all my touchy-feely-ness.
4. You could offer more of the same.
5. You could have at least one common interest, or you could be receptive towards my constant recommendations.
6. You could be interested too.
7. You must accept that I will reject any propositions of pre-marital sex.
8. You must accept most things about me as well; as many as I will accept about you.
Goose
Sunday, February 20, 2011 @ 2:05 am.
The golden goose is a great thing for everybody until down the road you discover you are that guy wringing the bird's neck screaming at it to lay you some more goddamn eggs you honking piece of shit.- Andrew Hussie
Second Day of Honesty
2. Nine things about yourself.
1. I've always wanted to cut my hair in a pixie cut, but I haven't done it because it'll be harder to style for Drama.
2. I'll never be a comedian. I might be able to act and kill the part when it really comes down to it, but in normal life I can never keep myself from laughing. I can't last more than twenty seconds in the staring game.
3. I procrastinate a lot more than my parents think I do.
4. I'm incredibly passive-aggressive.
5. I'm not happy with the way I look, especially in photographs.
6. The people I lash out at the most are my best friends.
7. I think the Internet is better than talking because you can check your words before you say them.
8. Most of the time I end up hating people because I see so much of myself in them. I hate the things that people do because they're things that I would see myself doing, that remind me of what I would do.
9. The reason why I never think I'm good enough for anything is because I really do, but I think I'm wrong about it.
@ 1:31 am.
2. Nine things about yourself.
1. I've always wanted to cut my hair in a pixie cut, but I haven't done it because it'll be harder to style for Drama.
2. I'll never be a comedian. I might be able to act and kill the part when it really comes down to it, but in normal life I can never keep myself from laughing. I can't last more than twenty seconds in the staring game.
3. I procrastinate a lot more than my parents think I do.
4. I'm incredibly passive-aggressive.
5. I'm not happy with the way I look, especially in photographs.
6. The people I lash out at the most are my best friends.
7. I think the Internet is better than talking because you can check your words before you say them.
8. Most of the time I end up hating people because I see so much of myself in them. I hate the things that people do because they're things that I would see myself doing, that remind me of what I would do.
9. The reason why I never think I'm good enough for anything is because I really do, but I think I'm wrong about it.
First Day of Honesty
All names below are pseudonyms, and not necessarily one the person knows. I've taken great care to ensure that only the people whom I want to will know that this message is for them.
Bitter Angel,
I hope that you're okay now. I'm sorry I don't know how to help. I hope you'll appreciate it anyway.
Parkour Child,
Same to you. I'm sorry I don't know how to help. I'm sorry that all I do is make you feel worse. I hope that I've made you feel better before, at least a few times.
Dark Mouse,
I don't know if you still hate it there. I hate it that you do. I hope it gets better. You don't need to stay there.
Minhyang,
I showed some people your work once, and the one they all wowed at was the one you spent the most time on.
Crippled Pioneer(s),
I never thought that where I thought I'd be the most challenged, I'd be the most reminded. Thank you.
You Ham,
If you mess up, I will go over there and cut your little face off.
Déjà vu,
What's it like over there? Is it any different? Should I even be asking you?
Cloud,
Sometimes I wonder if you're disappointed in me. That I'm one way here and one way there. I hope I'm still the same both ends. I hope I didn't rub you off the wrong way. Another thing, though, is that you probably should know that I love compliments, possibly even more than the average person does. So thanks.
Getting Fluffy,
Stop fighting. It hurts.
Gold Necklace,
Stop fighting. It hurts.
Monday, February 14, 2011 @ 9:08 pm.
Day One:
Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two:
Nine things about yourself.
Day Three:
Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four:
Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five:
Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six:
Five people who mean a lot (in no particular order).
Day Seven:
Four turn offs.
Day Eight:
Three turn ons.
Day Nine:
Two events/actions that describe your life right now.
Day Ten:
One confession.
All names below are pseudonyms, and not necessarily one the person knows. I've taken great care to ensure that only the people whom I want to will know that this message is for them.
Bitter Angel,
I hope that you're okay now. I'm sorry I don't know how to help. I hope you'll appreciate it anyway.
Parkour Child,
Same to you. I'm sorry I don't know how to help. I'm sorry that all I do is make you feel worse. I hope that I've made you feel better before, at least a few times.
Dark Mouse,
I don't know if you still hate it there. I hate it that you do. I hope it gets better. You don't need to stay there.
Minhyang,
I showed some people your work once, and the one they all wowed at was the one you spent the most time on.
Crippled Pioneer(s),
I never thought that where I thought I'd be the most challenged, I'd be the most reminded. Thank you.
You Ham,
If you mess up, I will go over there and cut your little face off.
Déjà vu,
What's it like over there? Is it any different? Should I even be asking you?
Cloud,
Sometimes I wonder if you're disappointed in me. That I'm one way here and one way there. I hope I'm still the same both ends. I hope I didn't rub you off the wrong way. Another thing, though, is that you probably should know that I love compliments, possibly even more than the average person does. So thanks.
Getting Fluffy,
Stop fighting. It hurts.
Gold Necklace,
Stop fighting. It hurts.
Born this way.
Friday, February 11, 2011 @ 10:10 pm.
“Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn’t say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do. I think it’s OK to be confident in yourself.”
“I am quite literally chest open, exposed, open-heart surgery every night on that stage, bleeding for my fans and my music. It’s so funny when people say, ‘It’s amazing to see how hard you work.’ We’re supposed to work hard! I have the world at my fingertips. I am not going to saunter around the stage doing pelvic thrusts and lip-synching. That’s not at all why I am in this. I don’t feel spiritually connected to anyone in Hollywood makeup and a gown with diamond earrings on. I am just a different breed. I want to be your cool older sister who you feel really connected with, who you feel understands you and refuses to judge anything about you because she’s been there.”
“Because as an artist and as a performer, the person that they look up to to create this space of freedom and escapism, I want to give my fans nothing less than the greatest album of the decade. I don’t want to give them something trendy. I want to give them the future.”
“I don’t know if you knew this, but the other night, in London, I had food poisoning. I was vomiting backstage during the changes. Nobody knew. I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. You will not vomit onstage. Because I was also thinking, If I do, they are going to think I’m drunk. And I don’t want them to think I am human, let alone drunk. I certainly wouldn’t want them to think I had something so ordinary as food poisoning.”
Why am I doing this.
I skipped the OG outing to work on my HSP essay, but now I'm just sitting here, not even having the Word document open, and getting a mini panic attack every time I think about it. Maybe it's just because I don't know where to start editing, or maybe it's because I'm scared that when I open it I'll find that my entire argument is shot through. And I'm thinking about my subject combi and how, despite all advice to the contrary, I still haven't submitted the options and the server's going to crash but I don't want to submit the form without my parents being home and God knows when my father gets home from work. And I've decided to go for HSP but now I'm thinking about whether I should be taking French or Spanish or German and all that shit and it's amazing how one sentence, one phrase, one word could tear down a resolve that's lasted for hours, for months, for years.
Screw this.
Monday, February 07, 2011 @ 3:22 pm.
I skipped the OG outing to work on my HSP essay, but now I'm just sitting here, not even having the Word document open, and getting a mini panic attack every time I think about it. Maybe it's just because I don't know where to start editing, or maybe it's because I'm scared that when I open it I'll find that my entire argument is shot through. And I'm thinking about my subject combi and how, despite all advice to the contrary, I still haven't submitted the options and the server's going to crash but I don't want to submit the form without my parents being home and God knows when my father gets home from work. And I've decided to go for HSP but now I'm thinking about whether I should be taking French or Spanish or German and all that shit and it's amazing how one sentence, one phrase, one word could tear down a resolve that's lasted for hours, for months, for years.
Screw this.
Essays.
CHANGE OF PLANS.
Scholarship essays.
Doooooooom.
Friday, February 04, 2011 @ 9:39 pm.
CHANGE OF PLANS.
Scholarship essays.
Doooooooom.
KHR
I've started reading Katekyo! Hitman Reborn.
Enough said.
@ 2:09 am.
I've started reading Katekyo! Hitman Reborn.
Enough said.
CNY Plan
DECIDE SUBJECT COMBINATION BY SUNDAY.
Get copy of SL Math portfolio in case of subject combination change ASAP. Email relevant teacher today.
Finish English commentary outline by Friday, latest Sunday.*
Finish No Other City by Saturday.
Finish English commentary by Wednesday.*
Finish Art of Travel by Tuesday, owing to not actually having it at the time. If worst comes to worst, run to bookshop on Tuesday morning and rush.
Finish Maths portfolio by Thursday.*
*EDIT: Oh thank God, it's the 16th of Feb.
@ 12:21 am.
DECIDE SUBJECT COMBINATION BY SUNDAY.
Get copy of SL Math portfolio in case of subject combination change ASAP. Email relevant teacher today.
Finish English commentary outline by Friday, latest Sunday.*
Finish No Other City by Saturday.
Finish English commentary by Wednesday.*
Finish Art of Travel by Tuesday, owing to not actually having it at the time. If worst comes to worst, run to bookshop on Tuesday morning and rush.
Finish Maths portfolio by Thursday.*
*EDIT: Oh thank God, it's the 16th of Feb.