Idol
Thursday, June 17, 2010 @ 9:18 pm.
I was a b!tch in Primary Four.
Well, I was ten, so you'd probably call me a brat, but regardless, I was a b!tch. Violent, arrogant, and self-ignorant. I didn't know myself. Sometimes I would hit people. I would piss people off to no end and I would be bewildered when they turned on me. I cried a lot, yet I considered myself happy. I considered everyone my friend. Once when I was in Primary Two and signed an autograph book, when asked for my friends, I put my best friend and my "forty-two other classmates". My best friend in Primary Four once told me that people used to ask her why on earth she would make friends with someone like me. When I was Primary Six one of my best friends suddenly apologised to me for teasing me in Primary Four. I didn't even remember her teasing me at all.
Once when the teacher decided there was nothing left for us to do during music lessons, she decided to hold a singing contest modelled on the Idol franchise. I don't know what possessed me to join. Probably the same thing that caused me to take part in that Chapel skit in Primary Six and to join Drama in Sec 1. I knew no contemporary songs, my father abhorring the radio and me growing up solely on Christian songs. So I put in a Hillsong CD and started singing. I made it through to the finals probably because I was overly enthusiastic. I don't remember having a good singing voice and I certainly don't have one now. I have an MG voice, basically; the sort of voice that MGS girls somehow end up having and which causes chapel guests to want to make an album with the Secondary School crowd.
Considering my song choices and who I was competing against (anonymous here, thank you), I should never have won. I don't care that I was in Primary 4. I should never have won. Some classmates I barely knew told me that they flipped a coin to vote for me. I don't remember how I felt about anything. But I remember someone griping about it and teasing me about it in class after music ended. I remember shouting
"I'd rather not [have won] than to have you always treating me like that!" I don't think anyone listened to me.
I'm posting this here because I'm tired of the memories coming back and me having to shove them away, because I hated the person that I was then. Maybe writing this here will help things. I've tried to remove any information that pertains to anyone. If anyone from my former Primary 4 class, or any Primary class, reads this, I'm sorry. I hold no ill will. I hope I've changed.
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I won't go so far to say that I was bullied in Primary school. I do know that a lot of people didn't like me, but bullying isn't too commonplace in a school like this anyway. And my memory is fuzzy, so I can't really say anything either.
But I know that something broke in Primary 4. I don't know if it was because I was maturing or because I was just sad during that time. I stopped being enthusiastic about everything. I became worried about everything. I'm saying this only partially from my personal memories. My parents made this observation as well. I remember changing from Primary 4 to Primary 5. I'm just not sure how or why.
But I do know that now I am scared stiff of making enemies. A single enemy. I can't stand anyone disliking me or not liking what I do in any way. I think I'd sooner prostrate myself on the ground and beat my head against it till my scalp bled before making an enemy out of anyone. I think that may be why I'm so non-confrontational and neurotic right now. I'll word and reword emails and letters so that any unintentional hint of hostility is carefully carved away. When it comes to situations where I can't edit my words e.g. actual talking, I get scared.
Anything to avoid becoming the b!tch that I was and the b!tch that I still am. Somewhere.
I have to stop clinging to the past now.